On Hiding

It’s been 22 days since I last wrote in my blog. That’s a long time. 

Today, Danny challenged me to write again—apparently, he things that writing is good for me, so I am dipping my toes back in the blogging pool. 

I don’t think anyone knows this, but I am actually a professional hider. I am really, really good at hiding when I want to. I’m not speaking about hiding in a hide and seek sort of way—I am too scared of the dark and have watched too many episodes of Law and Order: SVU to think hiding in the dark is really a game. But, I am really good at hiding things when I am sad, disappointed, or do not want to share my life with others. 

When I was a freshman in college, I was really sad. I had a hard transition to college—I didn’t have any close friends with me at school, and I had a hard time not being too introverted to make friends. I was too afraid to be vulnerable with others, so I hid. I could go for a whole school day without talking to other people. I would only break my silence once I got to soccer practice. I sat in the back rows of classes, I walked with my head down when traveling from class to class, and I avoided the cafeteria at all costs. I became invisible. 

Since then, I have had times in life when I want to be completely invisible. I don’t want to share my disappointments in life, I don’t want to share my feelings, and I don’t want others to ask me what I am doing. So, I hide. 

The tendency to hide manifests itself in different ways. Sometimes, I hide from my family and either avoid family gatherings or use humor as a shield. Sometimes, I hide from the mirror, just so I won’t have to face myself. Sometimes, I hide from my feelings, so I don’t look for joy—that translates to few instagram pictures or no blog posts. 

Recently, I have done all of the above. I have been on lockdown, if you will. 

But, I am ready to stop hiding. I don’t want to waste the rest of my summer by refusing to see joy. So, I am going to try again to start sharing something joy-filled once a day. We’ll see how it goes. 

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