I am in a relationship quandary. No, not with Danny. I am having a quandary with my blog.
Here’s the deal. I am an interesting person—Danny has described me as an onion. I have many layers and interests, and to me, relationships take a natural progression. Accordingly, my personality changes as the relationship progresses. First, when I first meet people, I can go one of two ways. If I am really overwhelmed, or if I don’t feel safe, I am pretty quiet. But, if I feel comfortable, I go into “Camp-Erin” mode. I act hilarious, tell jokes, dance around, and generally, act like I am in front of a group of second graders. Camp Erin comes out at camp, naturally, and it comes out when I am subbing. It also comes out if I am playing “Battle of the Sexes.”
I feel that, so far, I have been in Camp Erin mode on my blog. I am pretty superficial here. I try to find funny and joyful things to write about, and while that is really great and a big part of my personality, it isn’t everything.
When I feel really safe in a relationship, I will move from exclusively being “Camp Erin” to something deeper. In this place, I feel able to be vulnerable, and I feel comfortable sharing real things. I think a lot, and when I am in safe relationships, I feel comfortable reviewing and accepting guidance about all of the things I am thinking.
Here’s my quandary. Do I move into this deeper place here on my blog? I don’t want to alarm anyone—this isn’t going to turn into a bunch of facebook status updates where I quote Taylor Swift songs or say really vague things about being depressed.
I hope, in upcoming blog posts, to incorporate my joyful experiences with my real life. I want to talk and share about real things, all while keeping joy as my focus. I would be lying and presenting a false idea of myself if I pretended that my life is just hilarious and fun. Hilarious stories are part of who I am, but they aren’t everything.
So, this is where I hope to go with this blog. The joy won’t change, but hopefully it will be more deep and meaningful when placed in the context of a real life.
For my joy today, this is what I am most thankful for.
For his continuous love, affirmation, and dance moves, I am so grateful. He’s great, and I don’t know what I would do without him—probably just dance alone, crying to Barry Manilow songs.